Hail Ganesha! Hail Kali!

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Hail Ganesha! Hail Kali! I’m coming up on some important anniversaries and I’d like to share them with you because they relate to Paganism and some of you may get something from the experiences. If so, keep reading, if not, that’s okay too 🙂

July 20th will be the 19th Anniversary of my father’s passing (it’s also Warrior Women’s Weekend so if I seem a little off, that is why) I remember being so angry with God (I wasn’t quite a Pagan yet) that I swore the day he died I was done with any kind of spirituality. I told myself I was an atheist! I was done with God because God did nothing to stop my dad from dying… again, I was 15 years old and very angry.

I was Christian in name only…and that was fading fast. I was already exploring different spiritual paths and Paganism was introduced to me a year before by a close friend. I wasn’t ready to take the plunge yet…I kept asking if I could be both. I know there are Christo-Pagans out there and I respect that path, yet for me it wasn’t going to work. Either I was one or the other. Paganism kept coming into my life and I kept reading although I hadn’t considered myself a Pagan.

My dad and I were close. So close that I spent 6 years of my life being his primary caregiver when he went blind, his kidneys failed and a host of other medical issues occurred. I didn’t know my dad’s condition was terminal. The internet wasn’t a thing yet and my parents decided, for whatever reason, not to tell me that my dad was not going to be around much longer. The entire experience came as a traumatic shock and I even did CPR on him as he died in my arms a 5:15 AM. When he died, my purpose ended and I was lost.

A few months later, I was in school and it hit me I was never seeing my dad physically again. I had a counselor telling me this over and over yet it hadn’t sunk in. I remember walking in the hallways of school and collapsing on the floor. It hit me so hard that I shook and felt like I was dying. I had nothing to live for and thoughts (and attempts) of suicide rampaged though my mind. I hated my life and wanted a way out. Luckily a friend kept urging me towards reading books on Paganism and I found comfort in those words.

My world was filled with reading suddenly… Silver Ravenwolf (LAUGH ALL YOU WANT) Scott Cunningham, D.J. Conway were now my new friends and taking me on a grand adventure. My path to find a purpose was becoming quite clear. It was Mabon that my life took a different route. Instead of practicing the faith I was told to practice, I chose my own path. It was the first time in my life that I did something for myself instead of what my dad or another family member needed. I wasn’t taught to take care of myself, only others and it left a detrimental mindset that has taken years to work through. I am happily on my way out of the cave and into the sunlight on that note.

September 23rd is the 19th anniversary of when I self-dedicated and foreshadowed the future. I had the Silver Ravenwolf “Teen Witch” dedication ritual, a few candles, some incense (yucky Walmart brand Frankincense, lol) And I read aloud my deceleration to the Craft. The wind blew… the pages turned and I lost my place yet I kept going. I spoke to the (I lived in Florida as a teenager) pine trees and Spanish moss, to the palmetto bushes and the fire ants and made my first spontaneous ritual. I loved the rush of making my own rituals so much that I kept that tradition all these years later.

My friend Oakbear gave me the ability to say goodbye in the proper way. As a Pagan should honor their dying and remember their dead without being lost in the past. Deeply Rooted has further cemented me into Paganism and has given me the wonderful opportunity of being not only a ritualist yet also a writer who can contribute to a much wider community. 19 years later, and moving closer to Mabon I’m reflecting on my life and the path that Paganism has taken me. I’m thankful for the friends I’ve made along the way and even for the hardships because they’ve made me grow as a person for the better.

It’s also been 19 years of knowing, interacting with, and being schooled by Kali Ma. She has taken me from a girl who didn’t know her self-worth to a woman who is a mother and a writer who uses her own life experiences to relate to others. I am blessed for the friendships I’ve made because of Her and honor Her and Ganesha for removing my obstacles and being a driving force in my life to achieve more than I was led to believe. I’m in a good place right now, and not just a temporary one. I’m getting better at facing hardships and learning how to put my foot down.

Has Paganism done this for you? What are your stories? If you sat through my novel, I’ll happily sit through yours. Feel free to share them below or PM me. I think it’s the kind of day that we should share these experiences and share them often.

The Verdant Path – A Poem for OakBear

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The Verdant Path
By Shining Quill the Unicorn

 

The veil is thinning, my friend
As I hold your hands to comfort you,
I find myself longing to be held by something greater than myself.
I realize that the moments that pass are precious and few,
for this world is leaving you, and a new life is on it’s way.
Strong as an Oak,
Fierce as a Bear,
Gentle as the breeze in the Sacred Grove You worshiped,
Wisdom in unexpected antics,
and wisecrackin’ tales,
fills my mind’s eye,
let us travel this way together, not in fear,
but lust, like fire burning passionate and hungry,
for the next great adventure,
The Verdant Path sprawls out like a winding snake.

Adorned with the footsteps of Ancestors,
the laughter of the Gods blooming brightly from flowers peeking out of vines overhead,
the call of the Raven enticing us forward,
We find ourselves forgetting the worries of yesterday and eagerly looking ahead at the new course,
We are trapped in this place yet we have never felt so free.
The air is sweet and friendly,
We can feel ourselves be enveloped in this dream,
There is no turning back, only ahead at full speed,
and dance together in the knowledge of what this means.
Let’s take this Path together, from this life to the next
Your breath may be slowing, shallow and distant,
Your heard beats like a drum, summoning the vision of what lies beyond this ultimate web.
The Verdant Path now widens and cradles us like a nervous new mother. We have never known such love!

Hail now the Summerlands, the place of our fathers and mothers!
The place of honor to lives worth living and welcome to all who have braved the long winter,
The Gods you loved, whose faces are now finally clear,
Family and friends once departed Merry Meet once more,
Spirit animals of every shape and size dance  about you and perch at your shoulder,
Whispering as the breeze around your head the secret, humanity is not alone and cast aside,
separate and indifferent from each other.
Humanity is as one, whether we like those parts of ourselves or hide in the lies that fill the moments of our existence,
and that reality is so much more than we’ve experienced.
We Pagans are on the Path, the Verdant Path which is ever growing,
Do we bravely step forward and look into the unchanging face of death,
and smile as we surrender ourselves to the Nature that brought us life,
Not cruelly stolen in this moment,
Given to such abundance that we become more  than just humans,
We become Pagans, who life after life, find each other, love each other, fight with each other and continue the boldest story ever told.
Hail the Verdant Path, friend! Let it spiral around you and lead you inwards!

Find now what you need, leave behind what you don’t
Be Blessed and Reborn in the arms of the Mother Goddess,
And be embraced by the the Lord that is Her consort.
I can paint you a picture of what lies before us
It is the new life that has taken deep roots within us,
and cries up from the base of our souls,
We are not these husks of flesh,
Something more,
In the last of your days, you taught me all of this,
and so much more.
On the night of our vigil,
We held each other and spoke of our dreams,
Cried together in the face of our fears, pulling our courage from every reserve,
Gritting our teeth, using our laughter as a shield,
Speaking to only Gods and each other.
We stood immortal as the Free People of the Universe.
We conquered the Dark Night together and face the sun at last!
Great Father,
Great Sage,
My eyes open as I depart the way,
My breath strong and clear,
I am alone now in this room, I am not crying,
I have emerged from death as something more,
harkened by the tide of your passing,
Waves of thought scurry within my chest like mice as I try to comprehend all that I have seen,
Lessons, laughter, and charm ignited in my heart,
Eternal tribute to you, Wise Druid.
The Verdant Path is yours forever, Blessed Be!

 

 

I love you Oakbear. I wish I could have seen you more. Thank you for calling me daughter and giving me purpose in my darkest hour. Thank you for the lessons you taught me about your life and thank you for sharing those tears. You will forever be in my heart and a part of my being. Merry Meet, Merry Part and Merry Meet Again!

Watch your mouth! The worst four-letter words known to humanity and Paganism!

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My teacher and Pagan Clergyman Wade Mueller once told me, “Hope is the most dangerous word in the English language. By hoping something will happen in your mind, you’re not working to make it happen in the real world.” At the time, I had struggled with a huge fear of success and expressly seemed to embrace failure as if it had been my best friend. I had always been taught to use the word “HOPE” and because of that, I relied heavily on things happening by chance and not by my own efforts. I was a victim to my own toxic mindset. Wade Mueller of Deeply Rooted took away my hope and helped me discover for myself the kind of person I am capable of being. With that said, this article builds on his original work so please refer to him for more information on the topic.

And it was with that train of thought from my mentor that got me thinking about what other four letter words exist in much the same way as hope. What impact do they have on myself and Paganism in the larger scheme? Well, one of my huge struggles in becoming a Pagan was overcoming the pull of emotions that had me spread thin and usually exhausted from my efforts. Those emotions were expressed in three four letter words, “Love, Fear, Hate”.  In much the same way that hope is dangerous, so are these words and the emotions they can illicit. Words are incredibly powerful things. By invoking certain emotions, we open ourselves up for successes and failures alike.

Before I sound a little too much like a Vulcan from Star Trek, let me explain. I don’t think emotions should be purged from humanity in an attempt to create a more peaceful world. That isn’t realistic nor feasible at this time in our development as a society. One of the ideas I’ve been embracing is that emotions are tools for certain situations. They are never meant to overrun us and destroy the accomplishments and achievements that also go along with the failures and downfalls. We have to be a whole person and accept the darkness in our personalities as well as the light.

If you’re a Pagan, you might associate with the common-held belief that water represents those emotions. A little bit of rain is helpful for a crop of plants, yet an entire dam bursting is chaotic and destructive. Love, Fear, and Hate all fall into the category of dangerous emotions that can turn that nurturing rain into a deluge of epic proportions. The question I had to dig deep to find within myself was just this, “Is this situation worth feeling love, fear or hate towards? Is this something I *hope* will get better or do I have the ability to make this happen on my own or with help from friends?”

Is every Pagan out there looking at humanity and saying to yourself, “What the hell is happening?”

Love, Fear, and Hate all have different definitions to us. There is no single definition of these words. To each of us, they have a very different meaning and on top of that, there is no scientific evidence that PROVES these emotions exist. Emotions do not exist in “nature.” You can not go out and find “love” you can only see the evidence that the thought exists by actions expressed by people. Then, on top of that, you need to determine if the intent of the individual’s actions was really lining up with the emotion that YOU assigned those actions.

Ask a person with mental illness to explain what love is and you’ll hear a myriad of different responses from the normal associations to things that will curl your toes. Fear? Fear of what? Once you accept death, being afraid of anything is actually kind of ridiculous. Death is going to occur, and you will most likely not know the time and manner of your death. You can not escape it. And hate? That’s probably the most laughable emotion of all. Hate can be expressed by a species called humanity that seems to have social amnesia in regards to the value it assigns historical accuracy and so bored of being lonely that it has to compete against it’s self in RACES.  Race doesn’t exist. The only race is expressed by the genetics of people who have survived war, disease, famine and have bred healthy offspring. Genetics is scientifically proven, some abstract idea of people of varying skin pigments and other cosmetic features as being inferior is hilarious to me.

These words are the ones we’re taught to worship in our childhood. Why do you hate those neighbors? Why do love that boyfriend who hits you? Why are you afraid of that lesbian couple being married? So many people work like machines with predictable patterns because of the environment in which they were raised. It doesn’t have to be that way for Paganism. We can’t change the world over night yet we can change ourselves and thereby sending reverberations of that change to our community. We’re magickal folk and we can make this happen!

The first step for me overcoming these baneful thoughts was to diminish my ego. I had to completely redefine who I was and why I felt certain was before I could ever see the truth. When I asked my Gods to help me find that truth, they led me back to my past, to my future and how all of that culminated to create the present. Letting go of my love, fear, and hate helped me overcome years of pain and heartache. Sometimes I backslide and returned to old ways, yet it was only to remind me that I was just afraid of succeeding. I already had the tools buried deep within my personality, they were just turned inwards instead of projecting the person I really am to the world at large.

So watch out for those four letter words. They’re powerful, they have meaning to you that is hard-wired into your subconscious. You can overcome any subconscious programming if you work hard enough and accept what the truths lay at the root of your old ideas. If you work hard and discover you really do hate yourself and have valid reasons, write them down! Make a plan on how you can fix these toxic behaviors and why you have them in the first place. Maybe you aren’t a nice person yet you love yourself and no one seems to like you. If you are alright with accepting that you’ll never be more than a nasty soul, than be content in that personal expectation and turn that hate where it belongs. Yourself.

This world is much like the magickal world as expressed in “As Above, So Below, As Below, So Above.” Be careful what you invoke in your life by the words you choose to assign situations. You never know when you might have to redefine what something means to you because of the actions of others or something else life throws your way. Don’t let love, fear and hate define those situations. YOU can define what emotions you assign these situations. If you work hard enough, you will be in control of yourself as long as you are working on being in control. So mote it be!

Life Through a News Lens

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Do any of you folks out there wear glasses? Ever have a scratch on a lens that has been there so long you don’t even see it anymore? Our brains get used to seeing the scratch and suddenly the view of it is minimized. There’s other circumstances when the human mind will do those things and it can have a huge impact on our lives. There were some big ugly scratches on the lens that I use to view myself and my life’s story. I was so used to those thought patterns that I couldn’t see what detriment they caused in the long-term. As author of my story, I felt it was necessary to set the record straight on how I was able to turn myself inside-out and why I didn’t succumb to the demons that threatened to topple those efforts.

Two years ago, I had a problem. I sold myself the lie that some one else was in charge of my future and I believed it so much it almost came true. The problem was so large and I was so deeply entrenched in that situation that I couldn’t see that I was even suffering from abuse. I kept hitting rock bottom and bouncing right back up to the top because I refused to stay down when taking knocks. Some people would certainly brag about the idea of being so stubborn, and at the time I was certainly one of those people, yet there was a huge disadvantage to never giving myself the time I needed to heal.

And where was the source of the abuse that kept rearing it’s ugly head into my life from time to time? It was without any sense of doubt coming almost exclusively from myself. Those demons I was talking about earlier, their place of residence wasn’t the Christian hell, the whole experience of pain, doubt, regret and self-hatred was being generated exclusively by me.  I felt the need to lash out in many ways which cost me many great opportunities, relationships and sanity along the way. I know now how much pain and sadness I could have avoided if I hadn’t abused myself so badly by ignoring my own needs.

My observation from life is that we Pagans who were raised Christian really need to be aware of the psychological detriment that a Christian mindset can have on some one who is Pagan. Now let me explain that before people think I’m bashing Christianity because I have no such intentions. Pagans live by a very different moral code than Christians. For a Pagan, real mental pain occurs when you break your oaths whether they are to Gods, friends or to yourself. A Christian makes a covenant to an outside force, God. Christians believe that an outside force can either be savior or villain (Jesus vs. Satan) in their Bible, so they raise their children with this very spiritually reinforced idea of all problems occur from outside of us. Christianity, in my opinion, is deluded in ego which is why it’s on the decline.

Pagans believe in self-accountability and that internal forces cause pain.  We believe in keeping our oaths to our Gods, Tribe and ourselves. I was raised to believe that only some one else could be responsible for me and not given the heads up that I am the author of my own story. That’s also my perspective on Paganism in macrocosm. Each Pagan is the sum of Paganism. All of our actions have a very direct impact on our direction. We are the sum of ourself, which is many things to many people yet some how only 1 person to yourself. It seems like humanity has a really weird view of it’s self, doesn’t it? Imagine if you are the savior of your own future.

 That’s PAGANISM! No one, except for you, is going to be your savior. You can have friends who guide you and great teachers yet not one of them is going to be a savior because you can not hold your standards to another’s. You are going to disagree with folks, you’re going to be dead wrong and very right about certain concepts. Even if you consider yourself a psychic, you’re not going to be dealing out the right advice 100% of the time. And how do you save yourself from yourself?

Accept yourself. You’re fat, you’re skinny, you have some mental disorder that was diagnosed to you by a professional. Hey, listen, those are just labels that are used to describe things that you can fix, overcome, accept or conquer. Get the medical help by all means, yet do not stay in the mindset that you are just a patient or a case study. They do not define you and neither do people who do not have your best interest in mind. Only you can define who you are and make it known to the people and Tribe that are most important to you.

I had to tell myself this over and over again as I worked on myself through Shadow work. If you vow to be a healer, then be a healer. Be the best healer you can be without worrying what unnecessarily at the trolls that will almost certainly be around to heckle. This formula applies to the whole of life. Be all that you are, all that you want to be and don’t worry about failing. You will fail at some things and if you keep an open mind, you’ll learn how to make those situations better. Life isn’t always in extremes. As a devotee to Kali, this can sometimes be a hard lesson to grasp. Kali is ever patient, mind you.

I see life through an entirely new lens now. That’s also where I see Paganism. I see Paganism reexamining it’s self and growing. I see more people realizing that the truth is far better than the lies we tell ourselves just to keep the status quo. I would like to see more self-accountability in the community, especially around our young. I think of all the things I could have avoided and all of the heartache had I just taken responsibility for my situation instead of handing it off to something or someone else.  That means trading the ego for the truth and living with the consequences. and for me, as well as so many more, that’s a huge step towards real enlightenment.

I have a real zeal for life now. I’m no longer sitting here and being a spectator. I’m running like an athlete to be the kind of person that can help shape Paganism. A huge weight off my shoulders when I realized my own self-worth. What got me here? What’s the miracle cure? Telling myself the truth, hard work, believing in my self, and having a really great support group like Deeply Rooted to steer me into becoming a better mother, author and Pagan.

I can honestly say I’m happy. I know there’s hardships ahead, I know there are challenges within myself and I accept that I could fail horribly. I’m also kind of brave and adventurous so I oathed to myself that I would see this new life through no matter what. For those of you that follow this blog and my journey, thank you! May your lens be clear, your opinions loud and your snark be clever and original. SO mote it be! 🙂

 

 

Dear Silver RavenWolf, you were right!

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Dear Silver RavenWolf,

I’m writing you this letter to thank you for helping me get started on the path to Witchcraft and Paganism. I want to tell you the tale of how I came you and your inspirational writing so you’ll have a better understanding of the impact it had on my life. I was 14 years old when the first copy of “Teen Witch” fell into my hands from one of my Wiccan friends who had her own high school coven. At the time, I was fence sitting between a very poor understanding of Christianity as explained to me by my Grandmother and this new path, modern Paganism. I remember being so afraid to make a choice between those worlds that I actually asked my friend, “Well, can I be both?”

My Wiccan  friend at the time explained it to me while passing Teen Witch into my hands. I remember being so upset at not understanding what was going on at the time. “You can’t be both. You’re one or the other. It isn’t Paganism that has an issue with you being Christian, it’s Christianity that has an issue with Pagans. Those two belief systems don’t work together because of the fundamental tenets of each.” I remember the hot tears rolling down my face as the insecurity of leaving Christianity behind began to raise the bile up in my throat. I had to get answers from some one I trusted more than just a girl I’d known in high school for just a few months.

I brought the book home and thumbed through the pages. I didn’t give it the attention that it deserved. My home life was less than perfect. My dad was dying from end-stage renal failure and needed a lot of my help and my mother, of whom I had never been close to worked a full time job as a nurse. Spirituality was the realm that my father ruled over because he was the only parent that spoke strongly of his beliefs. You couldn’t call my father Catholic, although he was raised to be a devout practitioner of that particular path. He was fairly open-minded and was always up for some kind of debate as to the nature of things. I look back on it now and I see my dad struggling to see reality in much the same way I have done in my adult life.

I asked my dad about the nature of God, the universe, and even the powers of the mind. At the time, I was opening my mind to the reality that Magick existed and I was not crazy when I put my intention in something and it came true. My dad explained that no one really knows the true answer and that we either have to follow our hearts or follow our minds to the answer that is right for us. Some people find a lot of validity in Christianity and that’s alright for them. It does not give anyone the right to “hi-jack” your spirituality no matter what path they serve. I didn’t come out and tell my dad that I was considering Paganism yet I have the overwhelming feeling that he already knew that the tide was turning for his daughter. My dad had some natural intuition that I’m only now beginning to recognize as I raise my own five girls.

When my dad passed from this world on July 20th, 1999, my entire world changed. First, I was angry at God and told the universe that I was done believing in fairy tales and bible stories. Then I found that there was a scary, black emptiness that accompanied me during this time. It was depression, repressed memories of childhood and a host of other dark thoughts that occur to teenagers when they loose a parent. I was alone in the world, or so I thought at the time. My Wiccan friend was long gone out of my life and was no longer there to talk to since during my initial shock of losing my dad, I told her off and said things that I shouldn’t have said to another person.

All I had was the title of a book to give me some kind of direction in life. I went to my nearest Walden Books and bought myself a copy with the money from my summer job. I poured over the pages and studied each section carefully. No longer having my dad for any kind of direction, Paganism began to take root in my heart as a form of guidance. It was your words, Silver, that inspired me during the darkest time of my life. I remember Mabon of 1999 when I swore my first Oath to uphold all that being a Witch was, according to your book. In fact, while performing the ritual, the page got away from me and I was inspired to make my own ritual to put the most of my self into the promise.

Thank you, Silver RavenWolf. Eighteen years have come and  gone by since I took those first awkward steps on my path. I’ve made a lot of mistakes yet I’ve also done a lot of good things with my life. I’ve recognize my own passion to write and you’ve been an inspiration for that realization. I’m going to be a Pagan writer myself and follow in your footsteps.  I’ve found a wonderful Pagan community full of teachers, friends, and challenges that force me to be a better person.  That Community, Deeply Rooted, is where I’m currently pursuing the path of ordained Pagan Clergy. While so much of my beliefs have evolved since reading your book and I don’t agree with everything you’ve written, I do recognize the amazing work you did to show so many wayward girls and boys another way of doing things.

This blessing is for you, Silver. May you always have the inspiration you seek to achieve your goals. May your writing always impress upon your readers all the potential that Neo-Paganism has and challenge them to find answers to questions that they seek. May you live a long, comfortable life and may you always have a voice in our community. Thank you for the memories, the adventures, and the personal realization that there is always a choice to be a better person than you were born. May you always know that fact, Silver! Blessed Be!

 

PS: Congratulations on your new book and line of candles! I’m excited to work with them!

 

 

Forgive Yourself – Be kinder to yourself than others have been.

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I’ve been quiet for a long time on this blog which has been kind of a shame. This is one of the best outlets for my emotions and yet when I’m emotional, I do the exact opposite of what is beneficial for me! Why is that? Well, I did some meditation with Lord Ganesh and found out some pretty interesting answers to that question and a few others. I’ll share some of my insights with you and maybe it will help make some sense of challenges going on in your life as well.

 

Image result for om Who was the cruelest person I’ve ever known? Myself.

Oh, I most certainly have been cruel to myself in the past and I still have more to work on in the present!  The cruelty I showed myself in my developmental years was something of a spectacle. I had to sit down and think about all of the toxic, self-depreciating and horrible acts of hatred towards myself and when I did, I was mortified that I could be capable of such negativity. Just because I saw myself as a positive person don’t mean that the inside matched the outside. It was the foundation of a relationship with Kali that began to take me through destroying my ego and becoming the person I knew I was completely capable of becoming.

I made poor choices in relationships. I constantly felt the need to be *with* someone one who I thought was smarter, stronger and wiser than myself. I gave away my freedom to choose something better for my future and I did it with a tearful smile. I did it because I knew that the ultimate way to defeat myself was to break myself of feeling empathy, love or any emotion connected to my root/heart chakras. With that fact in mind, the cruelest acts became when I decided to break up with that person because I was fighting what I really wanted with what I had allowed myself to believe. And I truly believed that I deserved the worst of people in life to make myself happy.

 

Image result for om How was I able to discover my own self-cruelty?

It’s a scary concept when you’re being completely honest with yourself and begin to drill down the reasons for WHY you do the things you do. I would say that several things really helped me along the path with discovering these motivations. These are the disciplines I learned to recognize value in so that I could recognize the value in myself.

  • Meditation / Shadow Work – I realized much of my “meditation” in the past had been incorrectly defined “astral travel” and “dream work.” I had always gotten a lot of dreams as a child/teenager/adult and for a good long time, I didn’t understand what they meant. When I decided to start logging the dreams down in a journal, studying the themes and then meditating on that theme, I discovered SHADOW WORK. I plunged into a world of self-help that wasn’t in any books. It was inside of myself! I knew exactly how to identify what was going on by writing, listening to music, meditation and finally taking my dreams to the next level!
  • Great friends – I have been blessed in this life with many people who have come forward on their own and told me some harsh truths.  I used to hold this against them for the longest time because I wasn’t ready to make changes. I surrendered to the biggest obstacle in my life, which was my own view of self. My ego and when I did that, I began to take in their advise as if it was nutrients and not a poison.
  • Teaching my Children about the Gods – Spiritual parenting should be done in such a way that both parent and child learn something from shared experiences. Teaching my children about the nature of the Gods I worship, how I worship Them, and how I relate it to my life began making me rethink the entirety of my spiritual practices. I learned not only about myself in the process. Through the scope of the adult, I looked deeply at my own parents and their lives as they related to the lessons they tried to teach me. I was compelled to have a big family for as long as I can remember. For over a decade, I tried to create that family from the ether because I felt that a being a parent might slow me down enough to start taking in all that I have learned on my own life journey. When I succeeded in having my own children, the lessons of my past began to take root within my mind.

Image result for om Where did the cruelty come from?

When I first tackled this concept during my shadow work, I could easily pinpoint about one hundred scenarios related to other people in the first three minutes. That was not where the lesson end, however, as I was soon to find out. It came down to a few moments in my childhood that were both painful and traumatic. My entire self-worth was based on not having any validation from my mother that I could trust because of her own problems and because my father passed away in my arms and I felt responsible for his death. I felt helpless that I could not help my father through his hardships with his health and relationships and helpless because I could not assist my mother with her life challenges. I realized how co-dependent I was at my very core!

It was then that I began to take stock of my accomplishments despite feeling so… helpless. I wasn’t always so cruel to myself. I would keep myself entertained for hours by writing stories, telling my friends crazy outlandish things so that they would forget their problems and move on, and I managed to have many adventures in the process of discovering exactly who I am.  I wasn’t helpless! I was helping myself through helping others yet I realized that IT’S that attitude that makes me CO DEPENDENT! All of the anger at others was at myself for not meeting my own expectations! There was no need to carry this anger or feel that any time was wasted with these people. It lead to my understanding of where I am right now and there is no price you can put on TRUTH.

Image result for om So… what now?

Good question. Understanding all of those workings takes a long time to process and an even longer time to commit to memory. Luckily, I’ve always been good at writing stories and this work is a part of that mental exercise. When I was feeling at my darkest of accepting this TRUTH, I went inward and discovered that I did need help in accepting my biggest vulnerabilities.  I went to Ganesh and in my OWN words, I gave myself Wisdom in what I had told Him in prayer.

Lordly and Compassionate Ganesh. Please hear me!
Thank you for taking the obstacles out of my life so that I might want for nothing.
Thank you for put obstacles in my way so that they may define my character.

It’s those words, that I tell Ganesh every day, that are my sanity. It tells me that even though I’ve made decisions that are unpleasant for myself  in the past, that they were huge steps in discovering my own self-worth.  I can see now that I can forgive myself for having gone through those painful moments, that I can forgive the one’s I thought had wronged me and I can also make better decisions moving forward. Sure, other people’s decisions to be cruel to me were hard to live through. Yet, their karma is not my karma and I do not have to answer to anyone except myself.  My parents tried to do the same thing, yet I was more successful at understanding WHY I was torturing myself so that I will not be torturing myself in the future any more.

 

So that’s it. Very simply, all I did to move forward with my hardships was recognize where the break down was, forgive myself for the break down, and make new choices to have a different outcome. Easier than pie, right?  Tell my ‘past-self’ this new revelation. Hail Ganesha! 😉

 

 

The Memory of the Ocean

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I wrote this poem as an apology to the God Poseidon. It’s actually two poems in one, representing the dance of earth and sea. The grounding forces of logic and reason at odds with the dance of emotion beating within my breast. When I was a teenager, I made a terrible error in judgment. I have boasted that I once yelled at the God Poseidon during a hurricane and challenged Him to destroy me. I thought myself brave for having faced a God, however, I have changed much as a person since then.

I have lived with codependent relationships for most of my life. It began with my father who taught me that I needed a relationship to survive. This may not have been his initial intent, however, I believe he realized it shortly before his death. When he did pass on, I bounced endlessly from one destructive relationship to another. I craved human contact because I felt I needed that ever-present feeling of another person in my life. In reflection of the last year, I realize that those emotions have always been my undoing.

I have been haunted by dreams of the ocean, felt a kinship with Siesta Key Beaches and have always had a passion for horses(whom were created by the God Poseidon). I have been studying about the Sumerian God Enki who I have recently discovered is closely related to the God Poseidon. I want to set right the offense I have caused for the sole purposes of maintaining a relationship with Poseidon and allowing His lessons to flow through me as waves do upon the sand. I wish to master my emotions so they never become my undoing again and so I can continue on my path as a healer.

This poem is an experiment. As I briefly mentioned above, it’s two poems in one. Each representing the eternal battle of earth and sea raging within me. It’s an expression of being a Capricorn (the goat fish) and all that is the existence of one caught between two worlds. May this be the first step in showing respect to one I have wronged. Poseidon, my apologies to you for any offense. I was self destructive and I hated myself because I could not replicate the feeling of safety I felt when my father was alive. I hated myself for not being able to convince him to save himself, for not being able to resurrect him with CPR when he died and for the feeling of dishonor when I dropped out of school to get a job. I no longer hate myself and have forgiven myself in earnest for these actions. Please accept my apology and teach me more about the ocean of feeling within me. Thank you.

 

The Earth and the Ocean have been ripped apart,
Atlantis has fallen, a world grieves at the shock
a sequence of happenings mysterious to the heart,
an amnesia of culture for others to mock
given the shrill and the nature of the screams,
we can only surrender to the feeling of loss
the mind only remembers through a myriad of dreams,
the chasm of water little more than mirrored gloss
Surrender to the sea and dive into the ill,
Shaman and Priest trapped in their minds
When Zeus and Poseidon have enacted their will,
and in eternity’s embrace, the cosmos align
Planet by Planet, Jupiter and Neptune dance,
the blue-star will flow and blossom once more!
and send the Spirit Voyager into Rhythmic Trance
if only a whisper to sleeping children’s lore
This is the tale of the Great City-State,
Atlantis our home!
Taken by hubris and cast unto our fate,
if now only a memory buried deep in the loam.