I’m really proud of myself & I want to journal about it. I haven’t gotten much time to write in my blog this summer with the children home. I’ve missed the connection from my mind to my hands as they dance along the keyboard. This isn’t so much as a lesson as a declaration of pride & an acknowledgement of how far I’ve come in the past decade.
Recently, I’ve had a surge of people who I haven’t spoken to in a very long while attempt to make contact with me. It’s been happening with such frequency that I am beginning to wonder if the universe is testing me. Among these folks, most notably, was my abusive ex-mother. After nearly a year of no contact, she began sending packages & cryptic text messages to me. I thought by not responding, she might take the hint & leave me alone. Unfortunately, this was not the case with this person. I had to spell it out for her to stop trying to make contact with myself & my family.
The rest of the folks who have tried to reestablish a link with me were toxic friendships never served me. There was no growth on my part during this time period. These ‘relationships’ were comprised of trauma bonding, self-depreciation, toxic communication, & backsliding into old habits. What I took from these experiences was the lesson of ‘what not to look for in a friend or family member.’ These social interactions aren’t something to beat myself up over. A few years ago, I was desperate for friendship & connection.
Over the last few years, I’ve really begin to grow into the person I’ve wanted to be. I’ve learned to accept my mental illness & neurodivergent behavior. I’ve embraced the way I’ve conquered the challenges given to me in therapy. I find myself looking to the future instead of staring backwards at the past. I crave stability instead of the chaotic hurricane my life was when I first came to my church. This is the first time in my life I’ve stayed with something instead of running away out of fear.
It hasn’t been easy. I’ve spent many nights up having anxiety attacks or overthinking situations. I’ve wondered endlessly if I really belong at Deeply Rooted. There’s no one causing issues which would make these thoughts occur. Because of my brain chemistry & PTSD I experience a heightened sense of ‘fight or flight’ behavior. When things become dicey in social situations, my brain automatically conjures up images of how to escape whatever challenge I’m facing instead of a way through it. I have to slow myself down, breath, & accept the reality of what I’m facing before reacting in a way which would undoubtedly cause others pain.
I’ve been successful at recognizing my own patterns of ‘highs’ & ‘lows.’ Because of this self-awareness, I’m able to navigate through the rockiest trails of my subconscious mess & find a stable path to progress forward. I want to celebrate the fact that I’ve come so far in the process. I’m determined to ditch even more bad behaviors & become a better person!
As for these negative people popping back up in my life, I can’t help wondering if it isn’t a message from the Universe. Like perhaps the Gods, my ancestors, my sub conscious, or perhaps a combination of these spiritual concepts are forcing me to see my progress. Life has been pretty good! I’m no longer using substances to get through my day or clinging to toxic relationships to have a sense of self-identity. A relationship with these old ‘buddies’ isn’t really possible since I’m not the person I was when they last knew me.
I can live with this truth & I am thankful to the Universe, the Gods, & all the people out there who have helped me along the way. You know who you are. <3 Maybe it isn’t leaving where I am, but more like accepting I’m no longer where I was? Is this truly transformation?