Why the Corona Virus CAN’T KILL PAGANS

DISCLAIMER-This is SATIRE. Follow the law, God, the voices in your head, RED OR BLUE. Take what you will from it.

Views expressed by:

  • Kimberly Frank
  • Kim Frank
  • Shining Quill the Unicorn

Are solely the OPINIONS of said individual and do not represent DEEPLY ROOTED CHURCH, her members, staff, or the land. Read this blog at your own risk. Content may be 18+ in nature. Enter at your own risk. 😉

 

THE CORONA VIRUS IS SUN SICKNESS

When I see Pagans freaking out on the internet about Corona Virus, it pulls me out of my deep sleep. I laugh hysterically. What is CORONA? Well, it’s a beer, however, more importantly, it’s PART OF THE SUN. The SUN can’t kill Pagans because we work with the sun. The sun could be Ra, Apollo, Sunna, or just a ball of gas burning billions of miles away, or it’s really the great Kings of the Past looking down at us. Who knows? Can YOU prove it? Maybe it’s all of these things – or nothing. Maybe it’s aliens… No, it’s not aliens. The sun doesn’t kill people, not wearing sunblock does. Being an idiot kills people. Idiots are killing our planet, should we let them?

CURE: GO OUTSIDE, GET VITAMIN D. It comes from Apollo, and it’s free. Give him some music or poetry. You don’t get it from reading FaceBook memes or a crazy person’s blog (me)

IT’S COVID 19! WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!

You got the name wrong, friend. I’m a Pagan. I see “CORVID 2019” Corvid, like a raven? Maybe this is a joke between The Morrigan and Odin! Maybe one of the First Nations entities, Raven the Trickster likes to mess with people. Virus, you say? No. Silly, this is the Borg assimilating life to better themselves. Resistance is futile. We are Pagans. We fight back, silly. We fight everything. Our friends, family, tribe, ourselves… sometimes we get pissed off at an apple tree. We CAN’T die because we’ll fight.

CURE FOR COVID 19: Tell Loki to knock it the fuck off and give Odin some Junior Mints. He likes those. The Morrigan LOVES when folks get off their asses and fight. Is it the Borg? Ask Captain Picard, he’s been there and done that. JUST STOP FREAKING OUT.

BUT PEOPLE ARE DYING

Awesome. People have miscarriages, abortions, cancer, bad judgement, or shitty parents. People have babies they don’t love, and instead of “doing the right thing”(whatever that maybe, I respect your beliefs) they abandon them and kill the child slowly. Fact is, no matter what you believe, we’re all dying. From the moment we were conceived, the possibility of death has always been there. Hate me for this, fine, but WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE. Maybe I have a heart attack at home today, well… It’s not from a stupid virus, it’s from LIFE.

CURE: Make an advanced directive like a Living Will or a DNR( DO NOT RESUSCITATE OR GIVE YOUR LAND TO THE DEPARTMENT OF NATURAL RESOURCES…or the Pagan Homeland, just sayin’) Do some Swedish Death Cleaning. Watch Caitlin Doughty or Ask a Mortician something. ANYTHING. LIVE, for Odin’s sake. Well, maybe not him. He’s kind of a jerk.

WE SHOULD AVOID GATHERINGS, CLOSE DOWN CHURCHES, AND WASH OUR HANDS-THE MEDIA SAID…

The media is made of people. DID YOU KNOW THAT? The media, the government, and even some churches(all of the churches, including Deeply Rooted) ARE NOT GOD.I could go on the news RIGHT NOW and tell everyone I found a cure for cancer. They would put that on the news. Does it mean I have it?

Close the CHURCHES? Deeply Rooted isn’t closing. It isn’t our CIVIC DUTY to isolate sick people. We’re there in a spiritual capacity. We’re not digging your grave unless you donate $500.00 and do some legal WITCHCRAFT. Wow, nothing cures people best like isolation, panic, and cutting off their supports. We should totally do that here. It worked during the plague, HIV, Ebola…(okay, maybe EBOLA) Umm, truth is, it’s almost never worked. People need people. SEE MORE PEOPLE. We’re Pagans, we do things solitary but eventually, we find some weirdos to join us in the woods and howl at the twin moons of Vulcan…Whatever, we are a TRIBE. If your sun sickness kills me, you owe me a shell.

CURE: SEE PEOPLE, do STUFF, clean your house. Oh wait, wash your hands? Some idiot said that on the news. Don’t remember who because I don’t really care. Washing your hands is cool. Do that. You could also do a ritual with Apollo for healing, or Yemaya for cleansing, or Hekate, for DEATH. ASK ME HOW IF INTERESTED, it’s MY JOB. SORRY, NOT SORRY.

CONCLUSION

The Corona Virus isn’t going to kill Pagans. It’s going to kill (insert current fake explanation for why bad things happen to good people crapola here.)If it does happen to slap a Pagan down, it’s cool. Some of us believe in ghosts, the Summerlands, Valhalla(really think about this… Odin’s kind of a jerk, do you really REALLY want to end up with him for eternity? Consider the options.) You could go to Heaven(no.) You COULD go to Hel(SHE’S AWESOME, kinda skinny though.)Or you could check out Fólkvangr, I hear Freya likes cats(who doesn’t? BAD PEOPLE.)

CURE: Stop being afraid, stop being told what to do, and find a role model. He could be some quiet idiot in the woods who wears flannel, drinks tea, and laughs at South Park. It could be Picard giving Janeway some advice. Find a God, a dog, a tree, or even better – a ferret. STOP WHINING AND SCARING OTHERS. Do you need a hug? Cool, I offer them for free if you sit and listen to me rant about the birds and how they aren’t real. Don’t call people names, because you’re scared and alone. Reach out.

2 thoughts on “Why the Corona Virus CAN’T KILL PAGANS

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