This blog has been more than a place to vent or a way to look back on my progress. As I’ve submitted post after post, I come a little closer to accepting myself and finding out more about my destiny. I’m a writer, Witch, a Magickal practitioner, a devotee of Kali, and now I’m a Priestess. I’ve always believed in expressing myself in unorthodox ways. I love to tell stories to relate to people and in return, I love to hear the stories of my friends. This is such a story, although I’m going to be using some abstract terms here, this story is really happening. I write from what I know, and what I know about right now is being a Mother. When I look back on my life, I see my life has been stages of a pregnancy. A very scary pregnancy full of complications and set backs. I’ve lived such a pregnancy that forced me to stare down the throat of my mortality and accept that there is an inevitable end to all that is born. These last two years have been a sort of labor process and the birth pangs are alive in the words of this journal and in the memories of my closest friends and even people I once considered enemies.
I didn’t initially think my ordination would change much. I had already been serving my community for a few years. I read a lot of books, and I’ve done a lot of rituals in my life. I am a natural people person and I love to communicate. Nothing about being a Priestess seemed like work because I already possessed all the tools I needed, I just had to own them and figure out to use them in the right time and way. I stumbled a lot. I hurt people in an attempt to help them because I lacked the ability to be patient and trust my self. I felt myself pushed around by somebody’s time table. I was always rushing towards something and I didn’t realize even why I was running any more. I didn’t own the life I wanted because I was living some other person’s dream. It happens to all of us at some point or another. We wake up, we become enlightened in painful, messy ways, and we go our separate ways with each other.
I did all those steps. I followed the books about how to raise my Kundalini, my vibrations, and enhance my cosmic awareness. Reiki came into my life and lifted me a bit higher. I studied different spiritual paths and attended more rituals by different folks than I had ever imagined. I spoke to curious individuals, sad people, intelligent beings, and some ignorant ones. I found logic and wisdom buried beneath their words and actions. My mind was expanding and yet something was missing. I also chose to write about my experiences and post them on the internet. Helping people is what I want to do, yet I can’t do it unless I help myself. I figured by journaling out my experiences and sharing some witchy advice, I would be reaching out to some one or something that was separate for myself. This was just one last birth pang before it hit me.
I’ve rarely done in my life what I wanted to do for myself. I had children and that decision permanently altered my brain chemistry. It’s a decision I will never regret no matter what happens in my life. It isn’t just about loving five little girls, it’s about growing up to be the best parent I can be for them and the changes that are etched into my being because of it. As I struggled with early Motherhood, I found some friends to give me advice. This also took another level of change within my consciousness because I had a hard time accepting help from those around me. I realized that the interconnected web of souls, experiences, wisdom, and even mistakes was all around me in the faces of my Tribe. Sisters, Brothers, a special man who took up the mantle of acting as my father, and even a relationship with a Sister that soured terribly because of my own issues with my mother.
So here comes the ordination. I know I’m going to be facing the Tribe. I’m excited, scared, anxious, and incredibly manic. At no such time did I ever take my Tribe for granted and assumed that they would think I was ready to be a Priestess. And I had no malice for anyone who disagreed with me. I trusted myself to pull through even if I fell on my ass in front of a bunch of people. This is what anxiety does to an individual and as a Witch I’ve got to be especially careful about where I channel that pain. I channeled that energy into even more writing which is one of the healthiest habits I’ve developed next to eating and sleeping properly.
The ordination goes smoothly. One of my goals is to stay real. Not get ahead of myself or hold myself back. I take things one small step at a time. I’m glad that I made this declaration because being in that Circle at Deeply Rooted, surrounded by magnificent individuals from every walk of life and being accepted by them completely knocked me on my ass. One person went so far as to read a passage from my blog. My eyes were soaking wet and I was shaking. I heard my own Mother tell me how proud she was of me and I believed it. Blindfolded, I couldn’t see my Tribe, yet I knew by their touch, voices, and words who they were and in my mind’s eye, I conjured visions of them of how I really see them. The picture of who they are in my mind and all of the memories associated with them and their presence. I felt the presence of my Father, and all of the Gods and Goddesses that I have served in the past. Friends and Tribemates long gone resonated in that Circle and while all I could physically see was black all I felt was pure light.
Recently, I had a very emotional conversation with a very good friend and Sister. I told her that becoming Priestess was like giving birth. The feeling of having created something new, life cresting through me, and manifesting into something wondrous brought me to tears. I was so humbled by the experience that I had a hard time coming up with the words for this post initially. Deeply Rooted is like a baby to me. Not the people acting infantile or some other slanted comment. I mean that Deeply Rooted is like this beautiful entity, comprised of people and land, that I must better myself even more to do what’s best for all. As a parent, your mind races when you first hold that little new soul in your hands. You start to rewire and that’s exactly what happened to me a few days after my ordination. Reality began to set in.
I thought to myself, Goddess, what’s happening to me? The Goddess and the universe didn’t take long to send me a few signs and dreams about the experience. I had just experienced a powerful transformation and Rite of Passage. Even though I knew intellectually what was about to happen, nothing compares to this new feeling inside. Having worked hard for something, not talking myself out of it or holding back for another person, finally spring-boarded me forward. It’s taken some self-care and a few quiet moments for me to sort out what’s happened and what lies next.
The universe is very good at challenging folks and sending out signs. Some people who never see signs just aren’t looking for them. I used to see signs and ignore them, attempting to paint another reality on top of what was really happening. After becoming ordained, I vowed to myself that I would do all that I could to keep my eyes, ears, and mind open to what was going on around me. I wouldn’t ignore signs and do what I could to ride with the tide. Saturday night, my dreams pointed in the direction of trying to give me a new challenge. The message was something like this:
“You’ve attained this, now you’re charged with finding out a great unknown mystery. You will see clues, you will have to rely on your observations, experiences, and intuitions. You can not play the tape of the past. Look forward and you’ll find the great unknown.”
The theme of the year for Deeply Rooted is The Spiral Journey. Many folks in my Tribe and the greater Pagan community are already shedding layers of their old selves and journeying inward. Brave souls who are ready to take up the battle and discover something beyond the mundane crap we’ve been sold. So many of us are worth it. We’re trapped under crappy layers of abuse and old VHS tapes of disappointment. I’m not there any more. I’m here and I’m ready to give this thing called life another go as something else. A Priestess and a Devotee of Kali and Ganesha. I serve the Gods of the Tribe to learn something of them and myself.
Kali, be ever at my back! Ganesha, remove the gate ahead of me. I go forward! SO MOTE IT BE!!!!