Rants in society have such a negative connotation. Let’s change some stereo types and let our minds go crazy and rant. Rant it out. Rant it all out. Write it down and look at what you’ve come up with, you might surprise yourself!
You are the child,
I try to keep alive,
I’m running from the Darkness,
before She swallows me whole,
I worship She who destroys,
So I can be created again,
Scuttled and torn,
like a broken Ragdoll,
I can show my fire,
even when I am forlorn.
Mirror, Mirror on the wall,
Shower me in your tears as I bleed for you,
No princess is fairest of them all,
You are the reflection I show my Sisters,
dreams about, I gather them, big and small
Broken mind, slivered delusions,
Breath and see the light,
and Truth gives way
I cut myself on the reflection,
That I manifest
Not bleeding, no
Sacrificing tears for the healing rain,
Turning from jungle to desert overnight.
Easter Bunny, Ostara Bunny,
Caught for a moment, deeply in thought
Mind not the rooted path, for the energy builds
Always in motion, through the rabbit holes we go,
Antlered King, Mystical Jackalope
Watch, Watch how the Pendulum swings in the Tower,
My children created from shadows, ghosts and relics of the past,
Fall like apple seeds on the Spiral Path, So mote it Be!
Those are the thoughts that go through my head during a panic attack. I want to share with other Pagans what it’s like to experience a full-blown anxiety episode when you’re a writer and an artist. My mind thinks in pictures and words. There is art everywhere and it’s no different when I’m having an attack. When my emotions are at their highest, words will come pouring forth like rain and overwhelm my senses. It clouds my judgement as all sorts of stories, poems, rituals and even occasionally songs will flood my brain. Everything I create in words, art, and dance is a manifestation of my self. It’s more important to me to have those creations sometimes than it is to connect to regular folks. That’s why I write. All of these creations in my mind become some sort of spiritual pursuit. I found myself guilty of writing rituals just for myself instead of my audience.
I discovered quickly that while my rituals were richly worded and researched, they lacked the connection to the folks that they were supposed to be written for in the first place. I got very depressed about this and decided to use my mental illness in a way that could benefit others instead of feeling like I was an unwelcome burden in society. Before I go too much further, I want to clarify that I don’t blame society for making me feel like a burden, I had blamed myself for it and then took action so that the blame would melt away.
I decided to start writing and drawing again. I put all of my emotions into the words. Before long, I wasn’t just writing these uniformed rituals. I was giving myself time to connect to the people around me by writing and drawing out my feelings. It was freeing. I better understood those around me and I also understood myself better in the process. There were scary times where I had to admit to people that I was wrong about them, however, ego diminishing, I was able to forgive myself for the choices that I made in error.
I wonder how many out there feel the same way as I do? I bet there’s a fair amount of folks who feel trapped because they have always been negative and don’t know any other way. I can relate because I was one of the most negative people you could imagine. I had a childhood full of angry, sad, and scary moments. I was used to feeling that way so I surrounded myself with people of that type and I was so protective of this life that I would give any excuse or lie I could make to justify myself. I shook when I realized, through my journeling, how backwards and twisted I had become. I almost lost my mind in that realization and felt like insanity was knocking at the door. It was exactly the opposite.
Once I was honest with myself in a safe place (my journal) than I could be honest in my thoughts and with others. I learned to differentiate between folks who were in my best interest (those who were understanding of the process and those who reciprocate in the relationship) and those who had ill intent. I learned that it wasn’t personal and that’s just how people are unless they make huge strides to change their life. I also learned that it wasn’t my job to change them, only myself and my reactions. I couldn’t even begin to say those words before writing out my thoughts and because of that, I have a constant record of the things that I need to work on and manifest if I want to advance.
If you’re having struggles while trying to get better, I can give you some advice. Find something, a hobby, skill, or something that requires your full attention. Use that as a tool to get your anger, fear, and emotions out instead of people. That was my mistake. Writing, drawing, and making music are excellent ways of channeling those overwhelming realizations that we all inevitably stumble upon in our thought journeys. From a panic attack to poem to article to help others, that’s what it’s all about. Consider using your emotions to paint the picture of your survival to inspire others who can not yet. Blessed Be!