Do any of you folks out there wear glasses? Ever have a scratch on a lens that has been there so long you don’t even see it anymore? Our brains get used to seeing the scratch and suddenly the view of it is minimized. There’s other circumstances when the human mind will do those things and it can have a huge impact on our lives. There were some big ugly scratches on the lens that I use to view myself and my life’s story. I was so used to those thought patterns that I couldn’t see what detriment they caused in the long-term. As author of my story, I felt it was necessary to set the record straight on how I was able to turn myself inside-out and why I didn’t succumb to the demons that threatened to topple those efforts.
Two years ago, I had a problem. I sold myself the lie that some one else was in charge of my future and I believed it so much it almost came true. The problem was so large and I was so deeply entrenched in that situation that I couldn’t see that I was even suffering from abuse. I kept hitting rock bottom and bouncing right back up to the top because I refused to stay down when taking knocks. Some people would certainly brag about the idea of being so stubborn, and at the time I was certainly one of those people, yet there was a huge disadvantage to never giving myself the time I needed to heal.
And where was the source of the abuse that kept rearing it’s ugly head into my life from time to time? It was without any sense of doubt coming almost exclusively from myself. Those demons I was talking about earlier, their place of residence wasn’t the Christian hell, the whole experience of pain, doubt, regret and self-hatred was being generated exclusively by me. I felt the need to lash out in many ways which cost me many great opportunities, relationships and sanity along the way. I know now how much pain and sadness I could have avoided if I hadn’t abused myself so badly by ignoring my own needs.
My observation from life is that we Pagans who were raised Christian really need to be aware of the psychological detriment that a Christian mindset can have on some one who is Pagan. Now let me explain that before people think I’m bashing Christianity because I have no such intentions. Pagans live by a very different moral code than Christians. For a Pagan, real mental pain occurs when you break your oaths whether they are to Gods, friends or to yourself. A Christian makes a covenant to an outside force, God. Christians believe that an outside force can either be savior or villain (Jesus vs. Satan) in their Bible, so they raise their children with this very spiritually reinforced idea of all problems occur from outside of us. Christianity, in my opinion, is deluded in ego which is why it’s on the decline.
Pagans believe in self-accountability and that internal forces cause pain. We believe in keeping our oaths to our Gods, Tribe and ourselves. I was raised to believe that only some one else could be responsible for me and not given the heads up that I am the author of my own story. That’s also my perspective on Paganism in macrocosm. Each Pagan is the sum of Paganism. All of our actions have a very direct impact on our direction. We are the sum of ourself, which is many things to many people yet some how only 1 person to yourself. It seems like humanity has a really weird view of it’s self, doesn’t it? Imagine if you are the savior of your own future.
That’s PAGANISM! No one, except for you, is going to be your savior. You can have friends who guide you and great teachers yet not one of them is going to be a savior because you can not hold your standards to another’s. You are going to disagree with folks, you’re going to be dead wrong and very right about certain concepts. Even if you consider yourself a psychic, you’re not going to be dealing out the right advice 100% of the time. And how do you save yourself from yourself?
Accept yourself. You’re fat, you’re skinny, you have some mental disorder that was diagnosed to you by a professional. Hey, listen, those are just labels that are used to describe things that you can fix, overcome, accept or conquer. Get the medical help by all means, yet do not stay in the mindset that you are just a patient or a case study. They do not define you and neither do people who do not have your best interest in mind. Only you can define who you are and make it known to the people and Tribe that are most important to you.
I had to tell myself this over and over again as I worked on myself through Shadow work. If you vow to be a healer, then be a healer. Be the best healer you can be without worrying what unnecessarily at the trolls that will almost certainly be around to heckle. This formula applies to the whole of life. Be all that you are, all that you want to be and don’t worry about failing. You will fail at some things and if you keep an open mind, you’ll learn how to make those situations better. Life isn’t always in extremes. As a devotee to Kali, this can sometimes be a hard lesson to grasp. Kali is ever patient, mind you.
I see life through an entirely new lens now. That’s also where I see Paganism. I see Paganism reexamining it’s self and growing. I see more people realizing that the truth is far better than the lies we tell ourselves just to keep the status quo. I would like to see more self-accountability in the community, especially around our young. I think of all the things I could have avoided and all of the heartache had I just taken responsibility for my situation instead of handing it off to something or someone else. That means trading the ego for the truth and living with the consequences. and for me, as well as so many more, that’s a huge step towards real enlightenment.
I have a real zeal for life now. I’m no longer sitting here and being a spectator. I’m running like an athlete to be the kind of person that can help shape Paganism. A huge weight off my shoulders when I realized my own self-worth. What got me here? What’s the miracle cure? Telling myself the truth, hard work, believing in my self, and having a really great support group like Deeply Rooted to steer me into becoming a better mother, author and Pagan.
I can honestly say I’m happy. I know there’s hardships ahead, I know there are challenges within myself and I accept that I could fail horribly. I’m also kind of brave and adventurous so I oathed to myself that I would see this new life through no matter what. For those of you that follow this blog and my journey, thank you! May your lens be clear, your opinions loud and your snark be clever and original. SO mote it be! 🙂