Self-Forgiveness, Truth & Sowilo

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“Lies are like a cataract over our Third Eye. When we lie to ourselves, it distorts the view we have of others. Only when we are honest with ourselves do we see beyond the veil.”

Today I saw a very strange rune in my vision as I was dancing around with my kids. Dancing lately has been a huge outlet for my emotions and is proving to be very beneficial. For a brief moment, in the midst of a trance, I saw the rune Sowilo very clearly! It flashed hotly in my mind’s eye for a moment and I realized I am ready for the next step in my transformation. I’m truly ready to forgive myself for all of the decisions I made regarding my own fate. Often, I saw things very clearly for what they were yet I ignored them because I didn’t like the path I was going down and I was scared to ask for the help I really needed. Sowilo, what does this mean to me?

File:Sowilo.png - Wikimedia Commons

I’ve spent the last year or so “reprogramming” my psyche. I’ve been doing all sorts of mental exercises to achieve this goal and make it a reality. Everything from meditation, shadow work, complete and brutal self-honesty, and working through my anxiety. It’s been a painful and terrifying experience yet I am glad that I was able to witness both the best and worst of myself during this period. All of those experiences, whether they had a “bad” or “good” outcome gave me invaluable personal insight.

There were times I was screaming hysterically, in a fit of tears in front of my entire Tribe to when I looked up during a ritual and realized the people in that ritual were truly engaged in the process. These are the ups and downs of reality. It isn’t personal to me or anyone else who begins to take these experiences and use them for their intended purpose. Human beings were never designed to sit around and be miserable about their circumstances. Human beings were meant to take these experiences as lessons and improve the next session with the wisdom acquired from these experiences. Evolution judges winners who get up and do something instead of whining about their circumstances.

If I had stayed on the road I was on, buried in self-loathing and lies, I would most certainly not be typing this article right now. I doubt I would even have overcome enough of my depression to get out of bed and shower. That’s how debilitating it was to be a prisoner of my own pain. Yet that’s the secret right there. Sowilo is the Norse rune of the sun. It represents enlightenment and victory. Shedding light in these times of darkness and motivating us to find a way out of the cave of the Underworld that we’ve imprisoned ourselves.

So, evolution stepped in and chose me to rise up from my current predicament and take action. If you’re an atheist, simply stop there. It was evolution. If you’re a Pagan like me, I see it as Gods because I worship nature and that’s where this insight originated. While I was sitting in the woods, usually by myself, the lies I had told myself over a life-time began to fade away. My own inner voice rose up and began telling me the truth about my childhood. As I sat under a very beautiful, very ancient flowering Apple tree, yelling out my frustrations and agony, I looked up to see a flock of birds over my head that had gathered, very uncharacteristic of their nature.

Moving through the interaction with nature, I asked for insight. To be fair, I was more than a little freaked out that this was occurring. I had always considered myself one who could only work magick with machines like my father.  Maybe there was more to it than that, I pondered. Suppose the Gods were listening to me. I asked for inspiration. I asked for the Gods to help give me lessons necessary for my eyesight to be correct and match up with reality. The ugly truth is, when we spend most of our lives lying to ourselves (and we all do in varying degrees) we forget what reality actually is aside from our own perceptions of life. You see, that’s where the battle of ego took hold and finally exposed it’s self as the demon ego.  I realized then there was a really good reason why I was attracted to Kali in the first place as a teenager.

In spite of the overwhelming fear, I jumped into the battle head first. I spent long hours writing, crying, thinking and remembering my childhood. After a while, I began to realize the strength that had accumulated over the years as well as the weaknesses. When I had identified these strengths, I used that Magick on myself to accept the weaknesses and work through them. This is the Magick that a Pagan can really have and use to institute real changes in their lives.

I looked at my failures, honestly, and I forgave myself for making those painful decisions. I also looked at my victories and that invigorated my sense of purpose. What’s my purpose? That’s where SOWILO comes in! Sowilo helps a person realize their full potential. By accepting both of these aspects of myself, I attained balance. Balance helped me look at myself both emotionally and objectively so that I could think clearly and listen to both of the needs of my heart and mind. I realized that these two forces had been at odds for a long time. In that time, my will was strong in whatever direction yet I wasn’t accepting of myself so thus, I could not accept my true potential.

I’ve learned to accept myself as the person I am. I forgive those in the past and thank them for teaching me the necessary lessons that have helped with my transformation. There is no shame in any of our unions. I forgive myself for making those decisions, because I understand why I was lying in the first place. Any reality was better than the one I was living in after my dad died. I sold myself short and made some pretty shitty decisions regarding my well being. Those people who hurt me? It wasn’t personal. They would have done the same thing to anyone else who treated them the way I treated them and vice versa. I could see it from their point of view when I acknowledged the ability within myself to do exactly as they had done to me.

Is that enlightenment? Did Jesus and Buddha run into the woods and discover this reality for themselves? Were they at first dishonest about this insight only to become aware of the fact that lies hide us from the reality that frees us? What if reality wasn’t the enemy, I asked myself a year ago. What if reality, what if Truth, was the God I was trying to petition before I got knocked off course by the same thing I was looking for…Gods. Gods, God, science, psychology, whatever anyone wants to call it as long as whatever it is called is held sacred to the person who represents that idea.

This experience has been sacred to me and full of lessons learned that have been a delight and horror for me to live through. That’s truth, non-sugar coated. The most important thing you can do is forgive yourself, accept reality, and work to get the hell away from whatever made you unhappy in the first place. You can’t ignore it with lies to yourself, you  are the only one who can make your truth. Never allow anyone to take that from you, because as I’ve learned, that’s what makes a Pagan a Pagan!!!

 

 

 

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