I’ve been quiet for a long time on this blog which has been kind of a shame. This is one of the best outlets for my emotions and yet when I’m emotional, I do the exact opposite of what is beneficial for me! Why is that? Well, I did some meditation with Lord Ganesh and found out some pretty interesting answers to that question and a few others. I’ll share some of my insights with you and maybe it will help make some sense of challenges going on in your life as well.
Who was the cruelest person I’ve ever known? Myself.
Oh, I most certainly have been cruel to myself in the past and I still have more to work on in the present! The cruelty I showed myself in my developmental years was something of a spectacle. I had to sit down and think about all of the toxic, self-depreciating and horrible acts of hatred towards myself and when I did, I was mortified that I could be capable of such negativity. Just because I saw myself as a positive person don’t mean that the inside matched the outside. It was the foundation of a relationship with Kali that began to take me through destroying my ego and becoming the person I knew I was completely capable of becoming.
I made poor choices in relationships. I constantly felt the need to be *with* someone one who I thought was smarter, stronger and wiser than myself. I gave away my freedom to choose something better for my future and I did it with a tearful smile. I did it because I knew that the ultimate way to defeat myself was to break myself of feeling empathy, love or any emotion connected to my root/heart chakras. With that fact in mind, the cruelest acts became when I decided to break up with that person because I was fighting what I really wanted with what I had allowed myself to believe. And I truly believed that I deserved the worst of people in life to make myself happy.
How was I able to discover my own self-cruelty?
It’s a scary concept when you’re being completely honest with yourself and begin to drill down the reasons for WHY you do the things you do. I would say that several things really helped me along the path with discovering these motivations. These are the disciplines I learned to recognize value in so that I could recognize the value in myself.
- Meditation / Shadow Work – I realized much of my “meditation” in the past had been incorrectly defined “astral travel” and “dream work.” I had always gotten a lot of dreams as a child/teenager/adult and for a good long time, I didn’t understand what they meant. When I decided to start logging the dreams down in a journal, studying the themes and then meditating on that theme, I discovered SHADOW WORK. I plunged into a world of self-help that wasn’t in any books. It was inside of myself! I knew exactly how to identify what was going on by writing, listening to music, meditation and finally taking my dreams to the next level!
- Great friends – I have been blessed in this life with many people who have come forward on their own and told me some harsh truths. I used to hold this against them for the longest time because I wasn’t ready to make changes. I surrendered to the biggest obstacle in my life, which was my own view of self. My ego and when I did that, I began to take in their advise as if it was nutrients and not a poison.
- Teaching my Children about the Gods – Spiritual parenting should be done in such a way that both parent and child learn something from shared experiences. Teaching my children about the nature of the Gods I worship, how I worship Them, and how I relate it to my life began making me rethink the entirety of my spiritual practices. I learned not only about myself in the process. Through the scope of the adult, I looked deeply at my own parents and their lives as they related to the lessons they tried to teach me. I was compelled to have a big family for as long as I can remember. For over a decade, I tried to create that family from the ether because I felt that a being a parent might slow me down enough to start taking in all that I have learned on my own life journey. When I succeeded in having my own children, the lessons of my past began to take root within my mind.
Where did the cruelty come from?
When I first tackled this concept during my shadow work, I could easily pinpoint about one hundred scenarios related to other people in the first three minutes. That was not where the lesson end, however, as I was soon to find out. It came down to a few moments in my childhood that were both painful and traumatic. My entire self-worth was based on not having any validation from my mother that I could trust because of her own problems and because my father passed away in my arms and I felt responsible for his death. I felt helpless that I could not help my father through his hardships with his health and relationships and helpless because I could not assist my mother with her life challenges. I realized how co-dependent I was at my very core!
It was then that I began to take stock of my accomplishments despite feeling so… helpless. I wasn’t always so cruel to myself. I would keep myself entertained for hours by writing stories, telling my friends crazy outlandish things so that they would forget their problems and move on, and I managed to have many adventures in the process of discovering exactly who I am. I wasn’t helpless! I was helping myself through helping others yet I realized that IT’S that attitude that makes me CO DEPENDENT! All of the anger at others was at myself for not meeting my own expectations! There was no need to carry this anger or feel that any time was wasted with these people. It lead to my understanding of where I am right now and there is no price you can put on TRUTH.
So… what now?
Good question. Understanding all of those workings takes a long time to process and an even longer time to commit to memory. Luckily, I’ve always been good at writing stories and this work is a part of that mental exercise. When I was feeling at my darkest of accepting this TRUTH, I went inward and discovered that I did need help in accepting my biggest vulnerabilities. I went to Ganesh and in my OWN words, I gave myself Wisdom in what I had told Him in prayer.
Lordly and Compassionate Ganesh. Please hear me!
Thank you for taking the obstacles out of my life so that I might want for nothing.
Thank you for put obstacles in my way so that they may define my character.
It’s those words, that I tell Ganesh every day, that are my sanity. It tells me that even though I’ve made decisions that are unpleasant for myself in the past, that they were huge steps in discovering my own self-worth. I can see now that I can forgive myself for having gone through those painful moments, that I can forgive the one’s I thought had wronged me and I can also make better decisions moving forward. Sure, other people’s decisions to be cruel to me were hard to live through. Yet, their karma is not my karma and I do not have to answer to anyone except myself. My parents tried to do the same thing, yet I was more successful at understanding WHY I was torturing myself so that I will not be torturing myself in the future any more.
So that’s it. Very simply, all I did to move forward with my hardships was recognize where the break down was, forgive myself for the break down, and make new choices to have a different outcome. Easier than pie, right? Tell my ‘past-self’ this new revelation. Hail Ganesha! 😉