I am vulnerable and I’m at peace with the idea that I’m not always in control of every situation. There have been many terrible things that have occurred in my life in the form of physical, mental, sexual, intellectual and yes, even spiritual abuse. For a time, I hid in plain sight of abusers and friends alike. I do not have walls because I found that the walls I would put up would limit my creativity. I do not worry about being hurt because I know and accept that pain will come just as the laughter and good times ebb and flow in mine life. Pain is very much what we make it be for ourselves. At the source, the core and truth of it, pain hurts. Pain is pain for a reason. You can doll it up with words but the essence of pain is hurt and that does not change because human beings work their ego magick upon it.
Pain shreds at our energy being like a serrated steak knife. If you become nothing but pain and wall up the pain inside, the serrated blade cuts things so harshly that it can leave giant gaps in our outward disposition. This causes misunderstandings and breakdowns in communication. We only need to say what hurts us and what we’re willing to do to transmute that pain we’re experiencing. The walls we’ve put up to keep the pain in or out act as an electrical fence, disrupting portions of our daily lives and eventually isolate us to the point of madness. We do need other people as much as we need water or sunlight but when the emotional ties to people become so deeply rooted in our past that we can no longer see what is in the present or future course, they become twisted and corrupted. How can we change this? Understanding of how we interact with pain sheds light on parts of our personality that we’ve left in the closet.
I deal with pain by consuming it and changing my reaction. Yes, I feel the intenseness of the burning sensation in my mouth but I chose to focus on the joy it brings me when I have bested yet another hybridized pepper sauce. I have always liked the hot sauce. I have joked with others that there has never been a hot sauce made to beat me and that if there was, I’d still down it with a grin albeit shaking with the intensity of a thousand suns burning my soul. I handle pain by taking it in and letting go the hurt, tears, and snot that it conjures and see my friends make a face of wonder and terror. It brings me joy to know that I can walk through that fire and come out stronger for it. I trust myself. Sometimes I realize that there might not be a hot sauce that can best me but there can be situations that have bested me.
Losing key people in my life or the addition of darker energy paths have definitely left their mark upon my psyche and my public disposition. Sometimes it manifests in the form of studdering, other times I can be like a wild horse who is being penned, bucking and biting at anything that I perceive as a threat. Horse magick, energy/ medicine are very much a core part of my character. Study a stubborn horse and understand what it is to be in the world of Kim Frank. There are darker times still when I run like a freight train away from a situation because I feel that there is nothing good I can contribute and that my own madness bursting through will only serve to hinder the situation. It’s not a bad thing, actually…
Knowing the limits of one’s strength is fine and dandy, the vulnerability and our peace with the idea that we can not control every force are what truly makes us strong. Sometimes it’s our decisions to step back and take a break or do something healing for ourselves that is not reliant on the support of other people. Bringing others down when you’re down is only serving to confuse and frighten already hurt people who are trying to understand the situation – not attack you. A horse that will not jump over water can not be beaten into jumping.
A steady handler who whispers reassuring words to the horse helps the horse understand that what it perceives as an unconquerable chasm of death is only a tiny stream that is physically effortless for the horse to vault through. Sometimes a horse can’t be reached that way but a trainer doesn’t give up. They continue to lead the animal through perfectly natural situations until the horse makes the connection that all they need to do is what they can already do – with much more practice! You’re good at writing? GOOD, KEEP WRITING. You’re good at taking pictures of rust? Good…er, keep doing that – I guess – find a way to connect people with rust and show them a side of spirituality that they could never imagine.
It’s about reinventing yourself into who you already are and stop hating or being angry with yourself for the things that make you vulnerable. My crux has always been in the emotional situations I involve myself in with people I consider my family or tribe. When my family is not right, I burst into action. It’s not an inherently bad idea but when you add pain to the mixture, the pain makes me feel inadequate and I end up running away. Now that I have recognized that by admitting the emotional vulnerability I experience, I can now see that sometimes my actions alone aren’t enough to change a complex situation. Yes, I still need to act but I need to find people and supports who can help the main idea. Running away only manifests the pain deeper, isolates and makes me the very worst version of myself – NON-CREATIVE.
Because I do not fear to be vulnerable I can readily identify that my worst fear and challenge to overcome is the feeling of being inadequate. Now I will be inadequate for the needs of others but for those that recognize who I am and what I am trying to do, I’m more than enough. More importantly, I’m more than enough for myself. I was created by my Mother, Kali Ma, to be a student of the creative and destructive extremes of natural and unnatural forces. Instead of hating myself or isolating based on that realization, I have been studying in the direction of Clergy. My emotional ties are to the land, the Gods and the spirit world. I realize that humans in the physical world can not meet all of my demands. My demands are almost wholly spiritual. I live to build shrines, altars, have dreams, draw deities and most importantly, talk about my spirit family – the legend and lore of the Pagan Gods.
Is this received well by others? Well, most people really like my approach but not everyone sees the value in allowing yourself to show vulnerability. Honestly, I’m to the point that I realize that some people will come along because they make the time to understand my viewpoint but others actively work against themselves and show no such self-discipline in their path, yet. Those people I can not reach but I don’t have to reach them. They are not my power center nor my foundation. My foundation is in my loyalty and devotion to my Gods and to my faith. It has always been about family and while I have been blessed with five of the most beautiful daughters the Goddess has ever imagined, I am all about the Gods and my relationship to Them. The best thing I can give the people I can’t reach is for them to see how I handle, by example, being vulnerable and hurt and how I flourish in the midst of my limitations – not crippled by them.
I hide in plain sight with a warm smile and enthusiasm for life. I will not feel sorry for being that way nor will I change that approach until I hear a better one. I am all ears and eyes to the teachers that have cropped up in my life in the most unlikely of places. I am thankful to the Gods, spirits and other entities in my life who have brought me to this place. Thank you again, Universe, for this peace and contentment. And now I’ve given that gift back to the Universe by reaching out to anyone willing to hear and moving forward in both pain and pleasure. Namaste.