Update: This is a long one. It’s not emo, it’s uplifting, just give time. If you truly want to understand me better as a person and my actions in the last year, then read on. If not, totally fine. It’s your choice.
So a lot of you are seeing some major personality changes and I wanted to explain why that’s happening. Something unexplainable happened to me a couple of days ago, on the 13th of April. A life-changing experience that woke me up. For a long time, I thought I was the one who was waking others up, and maybe I did but I was the one sleeping and caught in a dream. It had to happen the way it did so I could see all sides of the equation. For once in my life, I have no regrets. None. The realization of this is very comforting.
My spiritual name is Shytebird. Okay, there’s a lot of you that are going to wrinkle your nose at this. It’s not a ‘pretty’ spiritual name but it is a meaningful one to me. It may change on this journey but for now, it’s the one that suits me. We are all given a name in this life but sometimes our spiritual name is one that suits our goals for this life. Here’s why…
A lot of you know for one reason or another, whether it was my own fault for being blinded by love or because I’ve surrounded myself with some horrible people, I’ve been through SOME SHIT. Oh yes, this shit that builds a wall so high you can’t see your way out of it. It deludes you and you think that all of life is just that, total shit. It was no one’s fault but my own after I chose to move out from my mother’s house when I was a teenager. I blamed everyone secretly though for the SHIT they put me through. No, no one to blame but yours truly.
When I love some one, I love them wholly and absolutely. I get blinded by SHIT. I let them walk on me, take from me and I do it all in the name of love. Yes, for me love exists but it’s not a given. It’s not always returned. I’ve also been a shitty friend to people in the name of LOVE as well. I’ve put SHIT PEOPLE before good people in an attempt to make them DECENT PEOPLE. Can’t happen. People are what they are and they make their own decisions. Nothing I say or do is going to change that for them. They may listen, be influenced but ultimately they make their own decisions and live with the consequences. It’s our condition to make decisions and live with the outcome, no one escapes that.
But you can make the decision to fly above the shit and escape it. As Raven spirit taught me, from Paganicon on, I am created to be enough. I don’t need anyone else in my life to prove to me that I am worthy of existing. For a long time, I carried the guilt over things my family did to me, such as sexual abuse and my dad dying and also the SHIT relationship with my mother like a security blanket. As long as people were talking to me, I must be a worthy person, right?
WRONG. Bad idea. Because I surrounded myself with people that had low standards. Any time some one came by me that acknowledged my existence who was of better class, then I ran from that person because of my insecurities. I felt I had no way of comparing to them or even relating to them. I ignored my own strengths in order to stay with the SHIT.
Well, very long story short, this last year, since about Beltaine of 2016 was finally the point I dropped to rock bottom. I sacrificed my marriage, my friends, my children and my spirituality for some one. Because a lot of you know I work with some pretty intense deities, They finally had enough. But they waited until I realized I finally had enough myself. It’s not Their job to pick me up.
So I stood in front of Grandmother Apple before my ritual on Ostara and I told Her I would sacrifice anything short of my children to make things better. Not only for myself but for Deeply Rooted. Grandmother is fantastic for sending those messages along to the Gods. It’s worked for me many times. All I have to do is spend time with my Grandmother, the spirit I have searched for all of my life, to have a genuine interaction with my Gods.
So the Gods accepted the sacrifice. They fought for me. They tore into me. Kali especially. She has always been my friend. Yes, it’s a weird way to look at it but Kali has always kept me on the straight and narrow as long as I listened to Her. I had wronged Her this year with this big sense of EGO of who I was and She was furious with me.
I feel like I’m not going to do this interaction justice with mere words but I’ll give it a go. For one night, Kali attacked me because I ASKED HER. No overstepping. No regrets. I asked Kali to knock me on my ass. Ganesha asked me a single question, “Have you been a loyal follower to Kali?”
The question stopped me in my tracks. Ganesha is the God by which all other contact with the Hindu deities is made. He’s more than a secretary for Them, He is the remover of obstacles. When I replied, the answer was mixed. Have I loved Her? Yes. Have I adored Her, spoke Her name to friends and family? Yes. Wow, I make a good witness. Like a friggin’ Christian not a Pagan. Kali does not want to be handled like that at all. To Pagan Gods, it’s not our faith, it’s our actions that shine through. In action, I had lost my path.
Kali turned Her fierce rage at me. I trembled physically. I still tremble at the thought. I thought She was beautiful and terrible all at the same time. Everything a Mother is and more. She told me to shatter Her statue, the one that Lyn Marie Neuenfeldt had worked on. She told me to smash it into pieces and NEVER use Her name and She would spare me.
But in that total moment of terror, I thought to myself. Wait. I’ve been through a lot of SHIT. A lot of SHIT with you, Kali. I’ve always gotten back up. GO AHEAD, STRIKE ME. I WILL NOT BREAK YOUR STATUE. I WILL NOT BE SPARED. I AM NOT AFRAID. NOT TODAY, KALI!
So She hit me with Shiva’s trident. I was destroyed. I was meant to be destroyed, wholly and completely by this God. It was alright. But remember that Kali is more than a Destroyer. She’s also the most compassionate Mother in the universe.She made me REBORN.
And then all the Gods I had worked with and some I did not recognize stood around me. Kali said to me, “You didn’t run from the problem. You stood and faced it alone. No one saved you but you. You flew above the mess.” She hugged me. I was trembling so hard I could barely breath. I felt happiness for the first time, saw Magick even better and questioned everything.
Like my name. I have seen some SHIT. But I fly above it. Now a spiritual name should be more than something you’re referred to. It should be functional. Now I can’t go by Shitbird because there are young ones and people offended by such words, so I chose Shytebird. I’m the one who flies above the SHIT, sees it for what it is, and can pick what I need to out of the mess.
I’m not a scared little chestnut mare any more, although Horse spirit is a part of me, it is not dominant any more. I am a fucking proud RAVEN who flew into the Dark Heart of the Fiery Goddess and became whole. I am a SHYTEBIRD! And I USE my BIG, ANNOYING YAP to tell a meaningful story. CAW CAW!!!!