Today I made the decision to follow through with two very important actions that will ultimately shape my destiny. Neither one of these decisions to act was something I came to lightly and without thought and advice behind it. I called out to my fellow tribe, my Clergy and also to my Gods. One action was to file a complaint against some wrong doing within my community and the other action of my will was to submit my formal application to join Deeply Rooted’s Clergy. While I will not go into the details of the complaint on this blog, I will write about my thought process in making the decision to pursue Clergy.
A few years ago, I expressed interest in joining Deeply Rooted’s Clergy. I did not know then what I know now to understand why that initial pursuit would fail. Everything I did before was run through several filters. The overwhelming need to help others without helping myself, trying to people please and also the wrongful act of making some one else my rock. The truth is, while we can have people who support us, no one can make another person their rock and expect to get anywhere. People will fail us. They do it all the time either meaning to do so or without meaning to do so. While I am blessed to have a family and tribe who I can trust to help me through any difficulties, I need no rock other than my self and my faith.
When my long-term relationship failed, I was lost. But thus began the first step in my journey. One painful foot step at a time towards a new future that would be one that was full of people who loved me and love for myself. I pulled my application and my willingness to serve. This was a major defeat for me personally, but looking back on it, I now there’s nothing wrong with admitting when you can no longer perform for yourself in others in the way that’s needed. It does not take away your purpose or your right to pursue it further down the road. I walked away from the Tribe because I needed time to heal myself and not spread unnecessary venom to the community. I doubted everything about myself because I did not know myself as I know myself now. I went through a journey of self-awareness. It was a brutal, painful scraping away of all I held sacred.
But then, something gave me light during this time of darkness. My interactions with the Gods, my dreams all began to become much more focused and clearer. My faith strengthened and I learned the true meaning of being loyal to those deities. While I am not blind to the concept that Pagan deities are not all ‘nice’ and ‘benevolent’ and all of Them have Their own agendas, I have learned to be aware of that as much as I am able. My connection to the Goddess Kali strengthened and spread so I could have other interactions with even more deities! They all expressed a similar interest in helping me. I listened to them and while every so often I fall flat on my face, I keep getting up to rise to the next challenge.
I am tired of keeping my mouth shut, reining myself back so that others can shine and allowing wrong doing to happen in a place I consider sacred. A little over a week ago, I had an interaction with a group of the deities that I regularly work with. I called upon Kali, Thoth, Ganesh, Yemaya and Hekate. I asked them for a sign for me to apply to become Clergy. In that interaction, I told them I would do it not only to honor myself but also Them in my actions. The sign came in ways that were both clear and direct. I had also appealed to Grandmother Apple (the 200 year old, fruit producing tree that stands in Deeply Rooted’s homeland) and told Her that I needed help in my personal life and also I had a great desire to bring about healing within the community. I told Her that I was willing to sacrifice anything short of my children to accomplish this task if I could gain Her blessing.
I was given the answer of what would be needed to be sacrificed. As soon as I made the decision to sacrifice what was most precious to me, my husband called me to tell me he got the job that he had been going after for YEARS. No temp agency, no headhunters but a REAL position with benefits, a pay raise and vacation time. The Gods interact with us and we can chose whether or not we want to interact back. It isn’t the Christian way of praying where we have a one-sided conversation with the deities we cherish. And yet another sign that this came from the Gods, my husband will begin work on Beltaine. I don’t think you could get a much clearer response than that at all.
So here I am. A little more alone then I was yesterday but that’s the sacrifice. To prove if I can walk away from the person I considered my rock and fashion for myself my will in my personal destiny. Can I rise to this challenge? Can I unlearn all the programming I received from my family and move forward? Can I take my own advice and apply it to my own life?
The answer is…
I am no survivor. I do not believe that what you go through makes you stronger. Sometimes you go through terrible circumstances that leave you less of a person. I am no victim. I do not need to prostrate myself in front of you and tell you of all the wrongs, hardships and dramas in my life. Look in my eyes and see it for yourself without any words. But here I stand, roaring on a mountain like a lion. Who I am is a loyal follower of something bigger than myself. I recognize it and I stand for that. I am an honorable person and no longer will I trade that honor for the benefit of the selfish pursuits of others. No longer will I hold back who I am for the sake of some one else. I will speak up. I will use my big, loud New York mouth to call others together to act. It’s not about leading the charge, it’s about waking people up to the truth. If it means getting cut or beat up, then so be it. I look back on my life as if it was spread out before me, a story written upon a scroll. Each time, alone, I acted to make my life better. I needed no one else. I woke up people around me and I now awaken myself by using my own advice. That’s my purpose. That’s what I can give Deeply Rooted.
Not only am I going to form a complaint and light a torch on the problem. I’m going to be the one who stands up and is ready to make the sacrifices necessary to make myself and my community a better place. I am a solution. Not the only solution, but one person standing up and rushing at the veil. If more people truly care, then speak up and let your voice be heard. It might not be what others want to hear or what they can hear, but don’t let that stop you.
Whether I am accepted or not as part of Clergy, I will continue to be true to myself. That’s how I can best honor not only the deities I serve but also myself. I need no title to become effective in changing the lives of others around me or to express my personal integrity. But I did choose to pursue the title so that I can act as a representative and symbol for what is right about our Deeply Rooted. As a follower of Kali, I have these words for all of my friends.
Be part of our solution and part of the healing process that all of us must go through.
Unprogram yourself and let your Pagan voice be heard! Define for yourself what makes your community grow and share it with everyone you can find. Remove what is rotten and carry on. Do what you will. Don’t be afraid. We got this!
Pieces are falling into place that are effecting people for the best and for the worst. Don’t be a pawn. ACT. Be true to yourself and in that comes the magick for change. I love you all. Blessed Be!